Lonely Home Defenders Pillows

'My home's got 'fortress' features galore - the best burglar alarm - armed security guards - intercom system - closed-circuit television - etc. ... I'm a virtual prisoner in my own home!'

"I hope you are enjoying the walk..."

"Honey! He's breached the recliner! I repeat, the puppy has breached my La-Z-Boy!!"

"Brutus! Attack with reasonable force!"

'How long did you try before calling?'

'Storm'

Goal

"I wish I had known you have arachnophobia before I paid."

"Bloody cold-callers - I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind. . .!!"

'I hear a burglar downstairs, the poor fool.'

'Roger that...I'm taking the first clean shot I can get.'

Man with fly swat - Let the games begin.

'If it weren't for baseball, this whole thing could have ended much differently.'

'This is my toughest soldier -- He's been through Mom's vacuum cleaner eight times!'

"My husband has a thing about double glazing salesmen."

Castle Cat Flap

'When, son, do you plan to leave your mother and father and cleave unto another?'

"When's the TV due back from the workshop?"

'The used to be 'slippers', but now they're 'shoes for watching sports on TV'!'

Pest Control

"I've asked you never to call me during naptime."

Door to door salesman sees sign: 'We have everything.'

Conan the Librarian.

Turkey Hostage.

"Listen, kid...I'm doing you a favor... Don't call here again for at least another 10 years."

'This has been taking up all of my time.'

The Crime, to the Best of Tiger's Recollection

'Maybe you should ease up on the burglar.'

"By the way, how's that lawsuit against the home insurance company going?"

"I don't let them bite. They just do."

'Hello? Yes, do you do student removals?'