Home Defenders Gifts

Door to door salesman sees sign: 'We have everything.'

No Soliciting

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

A Change of Scene.

'Now listen: Based on the position of the kennel and the length of the leash, only the shaded part of the garden is dangerous...'

'You're leaving if I'm going to inject him?...

"Brutus! Attack with reasonable force!"

Dog being carried off by ducks.

'How long did you try before calling?'

Goal

'Oh oh...this isn't my mace, it's whipped cream!'

"Bloody cold-callers - I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind. . .!!"

"I wish I had known you have arachnophobia before I paid."

We all have our jobs to do here --- You guard against burglars and I'm the food critic.

'I hear a burglar downstairs, the poor fool.'

'Roger that...I'm taking the first clean shot I can get.'

Man with fly swat - Let the games begin.

Castle Cat Flap

Why the "Man's Best Friend" thing is a total fraud.

How do you keep cats out of your garden? I catch the little sneaks

'If it weren't for baseball, this whole thing could have ended much differently.'

"My husband has a thing about double glazing salesmen."

'My land line is always busy...that's my answering machine fending off robocalls.'

'Noooo! You idiot! For crying out loud! Sear it first! Then a slow oven.'

'This is my toughest soldier -- He's been through Mom's vacuum cleaner eight times!'

Pest Control

'Get this straight, I'm a guard dog: I don't fetch the newspaper!'

'My home's got 'fortress' features galore - the best burglar alarm - armed security guards - intercom system - closed-circuit television - etc. ... I'm a virtual prisoner in my own home!'

Coming soon: Compulsory auction because of unpaid mortgage

Turkey Hostage.

"Are there people who don't live in London?"

"An impressive resume, General, but remember - department-store security is different from national security."

'This has been taking up all of my time.'

'And if he does get through the invisible fence, our drone will zap him from 40,000 feet.'

The Crime, to the Best of Tiger's Recollection