Loan Shark Humorist Gifts

"Could you stop referring to the interest rate as 'the vig'?"

Yeah, Fred's a real credit to the human race, he owes everyone.

Will work for ETFs

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

'City Traders - The Complete Menagerie'

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

Vinnie's Repossessions: A Turtle has just had his shell repossessed

"Actually, I used them as collateral for a loan."

Paper Profits Break Glass In Case of Emergency.

Credit Crunch Corn Flakes.

'I understand they specialize in acquisitions.'

'If you're out of quarterly earnings, I'll take the assets and liabilities breakdown.'

'If you must know... I got the ten-million-dollar bonus this year because... instead of losing 15-million-dollars, we could of possibly lost much, much more!'

'Actually, they're a hybrid. They are a blue-chip, common stock.'

'Sir, our new financing concept has probably got out.'

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

Proud Parent Of A Medical School Student With Huge Debt.

'I'd recommend against investing in hog futures - what sort of future could a hog have?'

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

General Motors.

"Any chance of a couple of crumbs?"

'Your mortgage is under water...so what's the problem?'

'Long term I like energy and transportation stocks. Short term I like lottery tickets.'

'Worldcon' - financial statement fraud exposed.

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

"Financial Adviser advises client 'I advise you that you're broke'."

"And so as a hedge against this trend, the directors have decided to invest heavily in red ink."

"Will you manage my portfolio?"

'I handle commodities and Dietrich here specialises in stocks and bonds.'

'Honey, have you seen the size of this phone bill.'

'My new investment counselor keeps referring to my stock portfolio as 'a financial aneurism waiting to happen'.'

'The Buck (after taxes) Stops Here.'

'Your numbers are WAY off...I'd like to see them SLIGHTLY less off.'

IRS, 'You filed your tax return two days late -- Why do you hate America?'

The Mattress Savings Bank