Loan Laugh Collector Pillows

'Here's a hundred bucks -- now, you give me $101.37.'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

Occu-Pie Mars

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Build your very own conflict of interest!

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'Me, I don't spend my pocket money: I hoard it...'

The Rooster Comedian.

'Bert's dog training.'

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

'What did one flea ask the other?' 'Shall we walk or take the dog?'

'RUN FOR COVER!!!!! It's another one of those 'Baby Showers'!!!

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

"A GPS! Thanks guys! It's exactly what I need to guide my sleigh...you know, in light of that unfortunate hunting accident."

Banana Split...

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

Password Error: Snow White and the seven dwarfs not recognised as eight characters.

"Whoa. Someone needs their diaper changed."

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

Suffering from Cooties?

"Do we have to go to the beach? I think the airline mixed up my luggage."

A golden Big Boy holding a plate of poop

Useless add-ons.

"Well, that certainly killed my buzz."

Cake Free Zone

'Yeah, I agree: It's hard to impress females by looking virile and strong when you're all pink...'