Live Tv Fan Gifts

'This morning we start a special feature in which we surprise an average American at home as they prepare for a new day.'

'And for those of you calling in to say he is behind us - OH NO he isn't.'

Comedy Cafe

'She sounds like your mother when you told her that you were going to marry me.'

Applause

See, Catty-O? I told you dinner was included with admission.

'It's a program on paranoia. Every time I leave the room, they stop and wait for me to come back.'

Whale Shark Thoughts...

'With the kind cooperation of the underworld, we present live, for the first time on TV, an actual holdup.'

"You'll regret saying that, I'll get my own back in tomorrow's performance - you'll never work again!"

TV Situations vacant.

Dr. Phil takes it home.

Moses' TV guide.

"Well, now we know what Letterman's doing, what are we doing?"

Fire starts at magic show while audience participant is left behind.

Liz Hurley

I lost as a contestant on the quiz show, but they gave me this lovely parting gift...

Pastor of Muppets

It's on. My new favorite game show! Welcome to: Garbage, recycling or compost?! Dana from New York you can walk away with $10,000 or try to double the green! Double, please. Okay, Dana, here's your object: A takeout container from a local restaurant. Garbage, recycling or compost? Geez. I'm guessing it would depend on whether it's got some cardboard or it's fully biodegradable. Final answer? Recycling. Wrong. Garbage! I knew it. Ridicule her! You've lost your green, loser! I'm sorry. I try so ha

News Wear World

'They had to increase security. He's being stalked by a deranged paleontologist.'

'He's really putting that media studies degree to good use.'

'Forgettable' - The Hit Musical

"Popular astrologer and psychic Malder Tercado's contract with a national Spanish-language TV network was not renewed. Tercado was reportedly surprised by the news...saying he didn't see it coming."

'Well, it WAS worth nine thousand dollars. Sorry about that.'

'Happy 50th PBS.'

99 Dalmations - Edited for television.

'Too much TV, maybe. Is there a John Wane marathon going on?'

"This year has been a disaster. But, my breaking point was when Apple TV+ hijacked 'It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown,' away from network television."

'I'd like to buy a towel.'

'If you smiled in the mornings, you'd come up in the ratings, too.'

"We interrupt this programme to warn viewers that programmes may sometimes be interrupted."

"I'm sorry, he's just left the stage. May I take a message?"

They watch for a while, then, unlike humans, they get bored.

"We've had to rename it, no one watches talk shows anymore."