Live Show Fan Gifts

"You'll regret saying that, I'll get my own back in tomorrow's performance - you'll never work again!"

Applause

"M'lady, we’ve reached peak Brooklyn."

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

Xena: Warrior Princess, TV star, professional volleyball player.

At the rock concert...

Theatre Crowd

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

"I've got those 'Don't worry about me, I'll just be here, all alone' blues."

'Straight eye for the queer guy.'

'Because it was there, Dave, because it was there.'

My secret of living to 103? I stay active throwing out junk mail and alert dueling with telephone sales people!

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

'Now stay tuned for 'Hope - Myth or Reality', to be followed by 'Reality - Hope or Myth'.'

'And for those of you calling in to say he is behind us - OH NO he isn't.'

Men discussing a book on a chat show

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

Clive Anderson

A man and a woman discussing the skill of the pianist.

"Dad, will you play judge and tell me if Raymond or Joey is the father of my baby doll?"

'Nobody pays for music anymore.'

'What do you MEAN this IS the show?!! Let me see the tickets!'

"Thanks Dave. I don't know about you folks, but I can feel it coming in the air tonight."

A rock guitarist singing

"This next song is for all you a cappella lovers. No strings attached."

The Mom quiz show

"So, colony collapse disorder - how funny is it?"

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, I am 62 years old and was fired from my job of 22 years just before xmas 2010. What should I do? Sincerely, Irene. Attack! Stop! Enough, Sadie. Haven't you been listening? The mean-spirited, virulent partisanship of talk show hosts must end. People were hurt and some died. Aren't you the ultimate partisan, you coot? That's different lady! Fasten your seatbelts.

"Well I think the Real question is..."

"I miss diving into a mosh pit."

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."

"I see myself as a lot like Garbo, but very much a people person!"

Retired Talk Show Host.

'Sorry, viewers, I was going to show you one I made earlier but it's been scoffed by the second assistant sound engineer.'