Live Show Fan Pillows

"You'll regret saying that, I'll get my own back in tomorrow's performance - you'll never work again!"

Applause

"M'lady, we’ve reached peak Brooklyn."

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

At the rock concert...

Theatre Crowd

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

"I've got those 'Don't worry about me, I'll just be here, all alone' blues."

'Straight eye for the queer guy.'

'Because it was there, Dave, because it was there.'

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

My secret of living to 103? I stay active throwing out junk mail and alert dueling with telephone sales people!

'And for those of you calling in to say he is behind us - OH NO he isn't.'

'Now stay tuned for 'Hope - Myth or Reality', to be followed by 'Reality - Hope or Myth'.'

A man and a woman discussing the skill of the pianist.

"Dad, will you play judge and tell me if Raymond or Joey is the father of my baby doll?"

'Nobody pays for music anymore.'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

Men discussing a book on a chat show

"This next song is for all you a cappella lovers. No strings attached."

"I miss diving into a mosh pit."

"Thanks Dave. I don't know about you folks, but I can feel it coming in the air tonight."

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."

"Well I think the Real question is..."

"So, colony collapse disorder - how funny is it?"

The Mom quiz show

A rock guitarist singing

"I see myself as a lot like Garbo, but very much a people person!"

'Sorry, viewers, I was going to show you one I made earlier but it's been scoffed by the second assistant sound engineer.'

Retired Talk Show Host.