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'This morning we start a special feature in which we surprise an average American at home as they prepare for a new day.'

'And for those of you calling in to say he is behind us - OH NO he isn't.'

Comedy Cafe

'She sounds like your mother when you told her that you were going to marry me.'

Applause

See, Catty-O? I told you dinner was included with admission.

'It's a program on paranoia. Every time I leave the room, they stop and wait for me to come back.'

Whale Shark Thoughts...

Dr. Phil takes it home.

'With the kind cooperation of the underworld, we present live, for the first time on TV, an actual holdup.'

TV Situations vacant.

"You'll regret saying that, I'll get my own back in tomorrow's performance - you'll never work again!"

Moses' TV guide.

"Well, now we know what Letterman's doing, what are we doing?"

Fire starts at magic show while audience participant is left behind.

I lost as a contestant on the quiz show, but they gave me this lovely parting gift...

Pastor of Muppets

'They had to increase security. He's being stalked by a deranged paleontologist.'

News Wear World

'He's really putting that media studies degree to good use.'

"Popular astrologer and psychic Malder Tercado's contract with a national Spanish-language TV network was not renewed. Tercado was reportedly surprised by the news...saying he didn't see it coming."

'Forgettable' - The Hit Musical

'Well, it WAS worth nine thousand dollars. Sorry about that.'

"This year has been a disaster. But, my breaking point was when Apple TV+ hijacked 'It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown,' away from network television."

99 Dalmations - Edited for television.

'Too much TV, maybe. Is there a John Wane marathon going on?'

'If you smiled in the mornings, you'd come up in the ratings, too.'

"We interrupt this programme to warn viewers that programmes may sometimes be interrupted."

Robert Kilroy Silk - Out.

They watch for a while, then, unlike humans, they get bored.

Heaven on the Phone to Hell - 'We've got Sky.'

"We've had to rename it, no one watches talk shows anymore."

Televised Insomnia Benefit Telethon puts couple to sleep.