Litigant Gifts

"We represent a North Carolina trade association and we'd like to file suit against the Native Americans for introducing our clients to a certain agricultural product."

"No, of course there isn't, 'one law for the rich and another for the poor'... There's no law for the poor."

Recruiting litigation lawyers is ALWAYS tricky..my last one took me to court for the emotional and professional damage I caused him by NOT considering him for a position I wasn't asked to fill.

"We've decided that it will be better for his later development if we speak to him only in legalese."

'I think I'll become a lawyer.'

"When it comes to medical malpractice, most lawyers only go for the money... ...I go for the doctor's head."

"How come you always take Amnesty International's side?"

"The Supreme Court says a corporation is a 'person?' Well, have you ever tried to take a corporation out for a nice, friendly beer?"

"The bear whose porridge was too hot...did he sue?"

'We never should have bought him that little lawyer kit. Suddenly, everything I ask him to do is capricious or arbitrary.'

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

'What'll it be?'

Lawyer to bad hair lady: 'It's difficult to establish pain and suffering based on a bad hair day.'

"Another slander suit!"

"Assisting me with this delicate procedure is Dr. Warren. He's one of the top specialists in avoiding malpractice suits."

The Birth of a Lawsuit

Employer surrenders to case loads of workplace disputes and claims.

'It's a treasure map.'

"I made my money the old fashioned way...a team of high priced lawyers litigating round the clock."

"I'm pre-legal analysis."

"He says: If they're smart enough to hire a top lawyer and sue us for having wet floors then they're smart enough to look where they're *%&$* going..."

'I'm suing my way alphabetically through the phone book.'

"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to sue, and he'll eat for a lifetime."

'When London Bridge fell down, how much was the contractor sued for?'

'Take me to your lawyer.'

"I love this comedy. What's it called?"

Law Offices

"These days, everyone is lawyering up."

Law school: 'Repeat after me, class 'sue 'em first, or be sued!'

"Whereupon the defendant let out a very sharp, hard-edged laugh that fell to the floor and painfully injured the plaintiff's right foot!"

Out of Court Settlement

"Congratulations, Counselor. It's a boy and your wife's fine. She just had a little difficulty passing his fin through the birth canal."

'Remember, there's nothing to fear, except fear itself and costly litigation.'