Lineage Explorer Gifts

"Actually, Tommy, we're just about full-blooded management, except for your grandfather on your mom's side, who was one-quarter labor."

"Ordinarily, I'm deeply, completely happy, ...then, wham! I remember we're related to chickens."

'I just wanted to hear about him - I didn't want to see him!'

Transylvanian backpackers.

'I've just discovered that one of my ancestors was a Security Goose for the Roman Army...'

"...We've traced your lineage all the way back to a 15th-century East European Count."

Gone Fishing

"Your father would be able to afford to send you to a good college if only he had listened to me when he was your age!"

"Your old Jewish mother with some pickled herring, sir. To remind you of your roots,"

'I'm tracing my relatives.'

"My dad was really good at showing me how to throw poo. He was just never any good at explaining exactly why I should be throwing it."

When you said you were going to find your ancestors I thought you meant on the INTERNET!

'There's no stigma in being brought up by apes - I was an adopted child too.'

How Presidential Eulogies Influence Future Funerals

"Your eels are enormous - where do you get them?"

Man: 'My family tree is infested with termites.'

Psychiatry. My dad doesn't appreciate how hard it is to follow in his footsteps

"Good news, Mr. Vanderfirth. We've traced your lineage back to a woman who lived in East Africa two hundred thousand years ago."

"But wait, there's more."

"Your DNA test came back – you're 49% from the Amazon, 49% from the Caribbean, and 2% from some plastics plant in Texas."

Genealogy Service. Family Trees Traced. I discovered that not only are you heir to an unclaimed family fortune, but I'm your long lost brother Wally!

"Your predecessor worked here for a very long time, so before you take over his office we're sending in an archaeologist to check it out."

'You really have little choice in the matter, Son -- you're a Bramwell, and we Bramwells have always been pompous asses.'

'Pencil for Cartoonists.'

Genealogical picture of Mr. Punch.

Highland cow and Scottish bull fighter.

'I've traced out family tree back to some lizards in the Mesozoic era.'

"Don't bother wasting your money on DNA testing. The results all come back, 'Ape.'"

" ...and this is the armor of my ancestor, 'Cederick the Unintimidating.'"

And remember son, never take your grandfather's picture down from the boardroom - it's bugged.

'Banished? Well this is the first I've heard!'

Did you celebrate Barack Obama yesterday? Why? Because it was President's Day and it's Black History Month. I celebrated half of him. When do you celebrate the other half? St. Patrick's Day. But he's only part Irish. West Fester.

Have you even thought of having children, Randy? Of course. I come from a long line of perfect specimens. Each successive generation is more charming, more virile, more irresistible than the last. HOJ. Logic dictates that I am not the end result, I am but a link in the evolutionary chain of Randies. I must reproduce eventually, for the sake of all mankind. How about you? I come from a long line of corporate overlords, each greedier than the last ...

'I did our branch of the family tree. Turns out we're birch and northern pine.'

"For the last days of Hispanic Heritage Month, Gracie Bermudez will be wearing a traditional Latino outfit!"