Lighthearted Divorcee Gifts

It went even worse than I expected - She got custody of the kids and me.

"I have been happily married... three times!"

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

Husband and Child in Pram

"Have you been bathing in moonlight?"

"Since he retired I try and give him something to do around the house."

'Tell dad he did a lousy paint job.'

"At least I got half the Twitter followers in the divorce."

'I'm sorry, but according to this there's nothing I can do. It appears your species mates for life.'

"I liked you better as my first husband."

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

'We've agreed to divide your community property 50-50...50% for your wife and 50% for her attorney.'

"Didn't you find it attractive that he was a "Free Range Chicken'?"

'And I thought I was leaving you.'

'I got custody of the kids.'

"He left me. I doubt it was for another woman, though. He asked me for a letter of recommendation."

'Yes, some mornings I do wake up grumpy - but only if he's oversleeping'

"In order to separate, one of us has to move out."

Divorcees Club - The Joy of Ex.

Computer Aided Divorce.

'So when is the moving van coming over for your shoes?'

"It was ugly, she got custody of the tin cans, chewed tyre and the rusty bike pump... And I got the kids!"

"I've got to be honest with you. I've been married three times and each of them flew the coop."

"When I got divorced, I went through all the stages of grieving - sadness, anger, denial and punching the air with delight when the settlement cheque came through!"

"The law says his wife gets half of everything he owns."

I hope I didn't hear you correctly, Lance. Actually, I hope so too, Gloria.

"Mommy divorced Daddy because Daddy was noncompliant."

'A-D-D...are these your grades or your diagnosis?'

'Can't we just get a divorce?'

'Under the terms of my divorce I have to wear it for a full year.'

Early divorce settlement

HUSBAND FOR SALE - Am keeping the house.

"Shadow? All these years I thought that was my ex-wife!"