Lifestyle Storyteller Gifts

'I'm very active. I'm always jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth, skipping lunch, and jogging my memory. With all that jumping, stretching, skipping and jogging, I still can't lose weight.'

"My online account predicts the things I should own, then buys them with my credit card. It�s very convenient, but I do now need to move to a larger house."

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

'Fetching newspapers is over. Now I aggregate blogs for him.'

"I'm prescribing a mild sedative. Go wine shopping and get yourself a nice Chablis."

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

"1972: Kim and Doug invited us to their key party... Sounds groovy! 2017: We just got an evite from Kim and Doug to join them on an ayahuasca retreat in Peru... Tommy starts hockey and my father is about to die—no way."

Perfection

"If he didn't live each day like it was his last, he would have lived another 40 years."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

Goodnight Social Media.

"Well your results would be normal if you were a 108 and smoked a 60 a day!"

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

I can't believe I ate all that kale for nothing.

'Cut back on the women and song. You can still have the wine though.'

"Stuffing your face while watching TV does cause obesity."

'Well, if you don't smoke or drink, stop chewing gum!'

"Your results show you have the body of a young man, unfortunately it's an very obese young man with chronic health problems."

Renaissance Zone

There, but for the grace of God, go I.

"Obesity is neither contagious or genetic, and yet, it is passed on, from parents to children."

'That's way too irregular. I recommend regular exercise.'

'Too acidic? On the contrary, I find it well balanced.'

T-Shirts. Just do it. Just watch it.

Intentional Community vs. Community of Sheer Happenstance

"I lost 5 pounds and you didn't even notice!"

"A lifetime of illicit substance abuse, chain-smoking, excessive alcohol consumption and eating nothing but crap . . . and you have the nerve to tell me I'm dying of 'natural causes!'"

'12 varieties of pizza does NOT constitute a 'varied diet'.'

'This is a magnificent restaurant. Which fork should I use to comb my hair?'

'The royalties from Muffin's internet videos were really good last month!'