Life's Unpredictability Observer Gifts

'Opportunity knocked on my door once, got a splinter, and sued me for every cent I had!'

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"You're not the same pupa you were when we first met."

"Life: play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, first love, brief happiness, breakup, regret, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, play, work, play, w

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

Life and Death

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

Down on Bourbon Street...

"No, it's not codependency. The neediness is just in one direction."

"Beats me how pregnancy has survived into the modern era. There's no reception desk, product guarantee nor customer service department!"

You trip on it, you buy it.

"He was much more effective in the field."

'Have you ever noticed that as you get older, your thin things get thicker and your thick things get thicker?'

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."

Mice 25¢

Will Kill For Food

Sooner or later, 'These trying times' become 'The good ol' days'.'

All You Can Tweet Restaurant.

Maternity Hospital

"And the tech guy said not to worry if I lost my phone. There's an app for that..."

"Your sister got another promotion."

"It was a scary few minutes but now I'm making a fortune as a motivation speaker."

I've always said ignorance is bliss, but what do I know?

Street: The Magazine for Homeless People

"Please help! God struck me blind for not giving to a blind beggar."

"Someone just pinched my mobile phone"

Old Yarns

"Better idea! Let's obstruct traffic in the guy's neighborhood and make his morning commute difficult!"

"Some day I'll be choosing your nursing home."

I have a video phone and I'm not afraid to use it.

"I know there are people who look like their pets, but..."

"Better safe than sorry, son."