Life's Absurdity Appreciator Gifts

'I used to be self-employed, but I got fired!'

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

(oil - petroleum - gushing out of inkwell)

"I need to tinkle."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

Giant ape juggling planes and captive.

"I have to refill it everyday. He has a tendency to retain water."

'Oh great. Our luggage has been sent to Alpha Centauri.'

Barcode Dreams

Optimist

"Good news. It's a small pig."

"Now you can send it."

Zoo: No Hunting.

"Exactly how undecided would you say you were at this precise moment?"

"Now that's what I'M talkin' 'bout!"

The deadly sport of cobra staring contests.

"And once you've achieved your 25% improvement in client satisfaction surveys, we need you to solve the problem of global warming,third world poverty and cold toast."

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

"But you can eat as much as you want from the tree of bullshit."

"And the Hungriest Black Hole there ever was ate everything in the entire universe and lived happily ever after."

The Ekert Saga: 'Ah, another week of school begins...might as well try to make the most of it!...You're crampin' my style, Ekert.'

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

"Could you tilt the Earth just a bit more away from the light?"

The missiles had failed...so it was down to Frank...and plan B.

'It's in my belly-button if you must know!'

'I'll raise you, Lazarus...'

"What if the cat stuck in the tree has a gun? Is that an emergency?"

Presidential surveillance ass!"

"Mom! Dad! Do something!"