Life Expectancy Gifts

'There must be some mistake. According to our actuary tables I'm going to live to 83.'

'On average, a woman lives seven years longer than a man. So, when I'm 80, I'm having a sex change.'

'It's incredible - one in six people alive today will live to see retirement.'

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

"Your contents have shifted."

"Gimme a large cheeseburger, regular fries and a diet root beer!"

They try, but those crows can't make noises they used to. The lost caws!

"Why bother?"

'There's old Jim off to the shops. Slowed down a lot these days, ain't he.'

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

'I've been called some mean things as a baby boomer, but 'Pig in the Python' really hurts.'

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

Gary turns 40.

Inside One's Memory Bank

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

"The doctor thinks I need a hearing something or other."

'I must be reaching that age! I can't get my ozone layer up anymore!'

"I really have to exercise more. I went from yelling 'Fore' in my 20's, to yelling 'Wow' in my 30's, to yelling 'Ow' in my 50's."

How Rings In Nature Indicate Aging.

'I'm into New Age. My new age is 26.'

Treat Dispensers for the Middle-Aged

"I don't know who you are!"

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

'I'm not in shock, my eyebrows are just receding with my hairline.'

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

"My doctor said I'm not getting any younger. I'd like a second opinion."

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

"My Blackberry will get in touch with your Blackberry."

Surprised chicken: 'I know. I can't believe it either.'

Breast Height Chart

Mr. Evers specifically asked for a plain coffee, not an espresso.

"I'm here for the hair."