Life Expectancy Gifts

'There must be some mistake. According to our actuary tables I'm going to live to 83.'

'On average, a woman lives seven years longer than a man. So, when I'm 80, I'm having a sex change.'

'It's incredible - one in six people alive today will live to see retirement.'

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

"Your contents have shifted."

"Gimme a large cheeseburger, regular fries and a diet root beer!"

'There's old Jim off to the shops. Slowed down a lot these days, ain't he.'

"Why bother?"

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

'I've been called some mean things as a baby boomer, but 'Pig in the Python' really hurts.'

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

Gary turns 40.

Inside One's Memory Bank

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

'Almost everything I have hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

"The doctor thinks I need a hearing something or other."

'I must be reaching that age! I can't get my ozone layer up anymore!'

"I really have to exercise more. I went from yelling 'Fore' in my 20's, to yelling 'Wow' in my 30's, to yelling 'Ow' in my 50's."

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

"I don't know who you are!"

Treat Dispensers for the Middle-Aged

'I'm not in shock, my eyebrows are just receding with my hairline.'

'I'm into New Age. My new age is 26.'

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

"My doctor said I'm not getting any younger. I'd like a second opinion."

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

Surprised chicken: 'I know. I can't believe it either.'

Breast Height Chart

Ed's receding hairline!

Mr. Evers specifically asked for a plain coffee, not an espresso.

"I'm here for the hair."

". . . and now it's his memory. Three times on Saturday he asked me what day it was. Or did I already tell you that earlier?"

Pete would never forget the time he saw his very first nasal hare.