Life Advice Aficionados Pillows

'Your father and I never joined the union. Don't you make that same mistake.'

"Feel free to take notes."

Czarcasm

'In general, do the right thing.'

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

"A word of advice, sir...when your wife reaches for another slice of pizza, never, ever say, 'Are you sure you should be eating that?'"

"If you see this as motherly advice, we have a whole new subject to explore."

"I feel I'm losing touch with the unrealistic view I have of him."

'Have you considered getting a life-coach?'

'If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice.'

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

"Our little girl has blossomed into quite the little complainer."

'I guess I don't need to ask how your new hip is working out.'

'The secret to staying in business, Wilson, is making something that's needed. Profit!'

"There's someone here who says she has a word to the wise. Do we have anyone like that?"

"I'm so tired: Joey was tossing and turning in his sleep the whole night and kept waking me up..."

'How do you think I ended up alone on the top of a mountain?'

Avoid boys who spend more on hair products than you do!

"Do not bury yourself alive if allergic to burying yourself alive."

'My astrologer says one thing, my guru says another, my psychiatrist says something else - I don't know who to turn to anymore.'

"I'll give you some advice. When you're up to your nose, keep your mouth shut."

'I asked you for one good reason why I should follow your advice, not six.'

"His room is always clean. Do you think we should take him to a psychologist?"

"Always stay rooted, or you'll turn into a tumbleweed..."

'Try not to be an idiot.'

'This box usually yields one or two sensible suggestions,four or five stupid ideas,ten to twenty immoral suggestions and several hundred candy wrappers.'

'Oh yeah! My self help group knows a lot more than your psychiatrist. First of all, there's a lot more of them.'

"You know, after all these years of giving you advice on all. Things personal and professional, it occurred to me that you've never actually asked for my opinion."

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Let me give you some advice on marriage, Joe. . . try to think of me as the pope. . .'

"Whoa, whoa, big guy with all your ‘meaning of life’ mumbo jumbo—I just want my kid to pick up her room."

"Could you all please just listen to my sermon instead of asking me what I would do?"

"Of course I still do stupid stuff. But now much slower and with far less frequency and zeal."

"Are you listening to those bloody influencers again?"