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'Your father and I never joined the union. Don't you make that same mistake.'

"Feel free to take notes."

Czarcasm

'In general, do the right thing.'

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

"A word of advice, sir...when your wife reaches for another slice of pizza, never, ever say, 'Are you sure you should be eating that?'"

"If you see this as motherly advice, we have a whole new subject to explore."

"I feel I'm losing touch with the unrealistic view I have of him."

'Have you considered getting a life-coach?'

'If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice.'

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

"Our little girl has blossomed into quite the little complainer."

'I guess I don't need to ask how your new hip is working out.'

'The secret to staying in business, Wilson, is making something that's needed. Profit!'

"There's someone here who says she has a word to the wise. Do we have anyone like that?"

"I'm so tired: Joey was tossing and turning in his sleep the whole night and kept waking me up..."

'How do you think I ended up alone on the top of a mountain?'

"Do not bury yourself alive if allergic to burying yourself alive."

'My astrologer says one thing, my guru says another, my psychiatrist says something else - I don't know who to turn to anymore.'

'I asked you for one good reason why I should follow your advice, not six.'

Avoid boys who spend more on hair products than you do!

"Always stay rooted, or you'll turn into a tumbleweed..."

"His room is always clean. Do you think we should take him to a psychologist?"

"I'll give you some advice. When you're up to your nose, keep your mouth shut."

'Oh yeah! My self help group knows a lot more than your psychiatrist. First of all, there's a lot more of them.'

'This box usually yields one or two sensible suggestions,four or five stupid ideas,ten to twenty immoral suggestions and several hundred candy wrappers.'

"You know, after all these years of giving you advice on all. Things personal and professional, it occurred to me that you've never actually asked for my opinion."

'Try not to be an idiot.'

"Unbuckle your belt, Bob."

"Could you all please just listen to my sermon instead of asking me what I would do?"

"Of course I still do stupid stuff. But now much slower and with far less frequency and zeal."

'I fired my motivational trainer and started listening to my mother.'

Al, what advice would you give me as I begin my journey on the highway of adulthood? Pull over onto the shoulder and pretend you have engine trouble. With luck, a beautiful female mechanic will stop to help.