Liberty Guardian Gifts

Then They Came to Finger-Rape Us

"Hold it right there, ma'am! If you get too close to the artwork, I'll have to ask you to leave the gallery."

The Zoo.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"Mom, please shake my chair. I'm taking a virtual school bus ride before class begins."

"Tommy!"

"Well, young man... just consider yourself grounded!"

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

'I can't control my anger when people get too close to my kids...'

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

Monkey-artist

"My mom programmed my toothbrush to follow me until I use it. It's cruel but effective."

Don't let the woodcutters get too close or they'll make a fuel out of you!

'Put a tick under 'very toxic'.' (New Orleans Toxic Clean-Up Team).

"It's a new year, and I have a brand new attitude. Which way is it to San Diego Sea World?"

"Look, it's my word balloon."

"Hey, that's disgusting! You can't leave that on the footpath: Make sure your master comes and picks it up!"

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

'What will we do when the ice melts?'

A baby playing on a grand piano

"Young man, go to your room and stay there until your cerebral cortex matures."

"This chicken wasn't cooked - it committed suttee!"

"An educational toy is my immediate goal, but my long range plan is to get him on Jeapordy!"

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

'The kids just love doing paint by numbers.'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

"Sometimes, plastic in the ocean isn't bad... Ooh, that bottle cap will make a lovely bowl for Ed and Nicole!"

'We'll have him back on his feet and under yours in no time!'

"Stop complaining. At least I have parents!"

Fish Posting No Fishing Sign

"I passed the three R's. Now I need some R and R!"

"Sure I used drugs when I was your age, but they were all prescribed for acne."