Legal Discourse Gifts

'I think you are over-reacting Mr. Brown. You were charged a mandatory basic parking fine. I don't think we need to talk about taking your case to the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg.'

Here's the Weird Anti-Terrorist Trash Talk That Stayed on Donald Trump's Cutting Room Floor After the Manchester Attack

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

"And finally, I implore the jury not to take my clients lack of alibi and blatant lies out of context."

"Another slander suit!"

"Before the defense rests, my client would like to read you a little sonnet he composed about his love for the jury."

'Furthermore, had a handrail been fitted to the wall , my client would not be sitting here now.'

'He started it!'

'Insofar as all parties have agreed to mediation, I've taken the liberty of hiring a medium.'

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

Under What Circumstances Would You Change Your Mind?

'Sir, we have a problem. The attorney section is totally overcrowded!' (demon to Satan)

"May I remind you that our prenuptial agreement called for me to take the plants?"

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

"We the jury find that the murder was committed by Colonel Mustard, in the library, with the candlestick!"

'Send this back to the legal department. I think they could make it much more complicated than this...'

'I'm recusing myself from this case.'

'I wasn't expecting this when they said they wanted to settle out of court!!'

"My client pleads not guilty, by reason that everyone else is doing it."

"I wouldn't want to be in your shoes."

'My client, Skippy, is suing for a twenty-ounce sirloin, medium-rare.'

"Your honor, my client is a very respectable blood-sucking pest."

First They Came for Julian Assange But I Said Something Stupid

"No it's not. That's his defense lawyer."

'But you told me to try and look innocent.'

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

Witless protection prgram

'Your fee is causing us more mental anguish than the accident.'

"Yes, that is the book I wrote, but it was heavily edited by a homicidal maniac."

Sensitivity Reader

'I sentence you to nine consecutive life terms.'

'So why are so worried? I'm leaving my fate in the hands of 12 people not smart enough to get out of jury duty.'

The Uber Wedding Planner: 'Ok, we're almost there...we just need a clarification on the whether the 'till death do us part' clause is meant literally or figuratively.'