Learning Optimizer Pillows

"If you ask me, school funding should skip the middleman and just pay me to study harder!"

"This software will cut my workload in half, so I purchased two."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'We believe in using performance-enhancing drugs here.. they're called bonuses.'

"Maybe we should have another look at the 'business as usual' idea."

'Someone important is bound to see my resume now!'

"According to your resume, you've done just about everything except ever having a job."

'Eee,love - this place gives me a great idea for the spare bedroom!'

Don't Waste A Moment! Put Down That Magazine And Get Fit While You Sit!

"I'll throw in a few extra pinstripes."

"We want it to look lived in, but not necessarily by us."

'You may have found more new customers than the other salesmen, but your profits are too small! Stop just pulling in peanuts, Barry!'

'You've been rearranging the furniture again, haven't you?'

"It's a terrific space, Tony—but do you think the TV will fit?"

"Lady here wants to put £5 on Cambridge 'Each way'!"

'Gentlemen, we make money the old-fashioned way, and it's got to STOP!'

'Today's Odds' sign above a copier showing various odds for machine's malfunctions

Samuel Pepys' writer's block

'He's a control freak but the treats are good.'

The Devolution of Man

"The mirrors really do make this apartment look bigger."

"Remember, you're only as sick as you feel."

Castle Efficiency

"And these are the Andersons, our tenants."

'You have the body of a 22 year old man, providing your birthday is February 29th.'

'The town I grew up in was so affluent they used to close the schools in honor of options expiration day.'

"Junior, there's more to life than winning. There's also beating the spread."

Overloaded on Junk Food.

"You said to start the laundry and bathe the cat, so I thought I could save time if..."

Avoidance of Situation/Work required to succeed.

"That's your tiny house!"

Kids' energy levels

'How do you like the new cubicle?' - 'Can I have my old office back please.'

"Just think- if it really was 'unlivably small,' would they have installed a permanent Ping-Pong table?"

Silly man ordered a bed that is too big for his room.