Leak Fixator Pillows

Wikileaks: My Empire for a Plumber

Christmas tree with wadded up lights.

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Before you come with me, tell me...does this robe look a little rumpled to you? I don't think the dry cleaners got the creases out, do you?'

"I just love how wet you've made things in here."

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

"Whoa. There's a huge crack down here." "Tell me about it."

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

Lazy plumber.

'Well, the magic of Christmas is officially over, unless it includes waking up to a septic tank backup.'

"I told you we needed deeper foundations!"

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

"I thought you meant we had a security leak."

Son? We need to talk about inappropriate life choices. I was joking. I'm not going to be an investment banker. Great! I'd hate to see you waste your talents. There are plenty of other jobs. Like the fixer who disappears famous athletes' awkward e-mails. You'll always be employed.

'Yes, I've removed lots of fish-hooks from dogs...'

"We will indeed be facing numerous enraged customers."

"Dad, I'll assemble yours if you assemble mine."

'They can be a real menace at this time of year.'

Master Plumber

"Tell Santa that Rudolph's check engine light is on."

'Freezer is on the blink.'

"I had to improvise"

'If we happen to experience deja vu, let's make sure we do some things differently.'

'Damn. The dark is leaking out of the dark room again.'

"Hi, I'm your new neighbour. I work as a maintenance engineer on the Thames Flood Barrier."

'It's our last resort.'

'No, you're the plumber, you go and check how bad the leak is.'

Hospital. Emergency. Closed. I'm bleeding and the E.R. is closed, What should I do? Just go home? Suture self!

"That's really great , but what do you do if you want to remove the nail?"

'I guess it's official now. No one in this town actually makes anything anymore.'

'OK Smith, you can take this back to the Woodwork room now!'

Boss, someone called The Fixer is here to see you. Excellent. Go out and tell him I want him to teach you everything he knows. I don't see why I should have to keep paying him when I've got my very own minion. Pay extra attention to the issue vague threats to shut down lawsuits part. If he asks why I didn't fire him myself, you tell him I've moved to Botswana. Very bad man.

Despite being dumped by his girlfriend on Christmas Eve, Norman still found a way to pull the crackers despite her absence.

Stitches.

'Oh no, freezer's on the blink again!'