Leadership Humor Gifts

'When all else fails, try doing it the way the boss told you.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

21st century water cooler conversations.

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

"I hate performance review season."

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"How can you have a meteoric rise to the top in a one-story building?"

'I delegate, then I follow up.'

Executive golf with Newton's cradle

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

'Here's the CEO - Chief Egotistical Official!'

'Here you are, Simmons!'

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

'I use my Blackberry all the time to check the competition's executive bonuses.'

"I'm cutting out a complete layer of management."

"That's more like it Perkins..!!"

"2 for 1 special: Clean, polish, buff, seal"

'Kroogshank, why do I think that you try to hide from responsibility?'

"Dammit, Higgins, we don't need simple explanations, we need complicated excuses!"

'Any chance of doubling my salary?'

'Don't let anyone in without an appointment, and don't give anyone an appointment.'

'When I say jump, Hayes, I don't want you to just ask 'How high?' ... I want you to show me!'

"Excellent Simons, I admire a 'yes' man who's not afraid to say 'yes'."

Job complaints on road signs.

"I swear, Bob, if you say "I'll think about it and circle back to you" one more time...X"

'Our company needs a tougher image. So from here on out we'll answer the phone with the greeting, 'what the hell do you want?!'

'Who vetted that leader?'

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

"I love this work-from-home concept. Now I can fire someone without going to the office."

C'mon, Bob, the associate chases the manager's tail, the manager chases the VP's tail, and the VP chases my tail for me – You know how this works.

"King and clown—why can't I be both?"

Boss, what if I told you I forgot to lock up last night and someone totally robbed us blind? I'd say "no problem," because of your contract. My contract? It allows me to auction off your less vital internal organs to recover any damages you cause me. You really should read the fine print before you sign the papers, minion. I did. But I wrote in finer print that all fine print is null and void. Only the ruling class can use fine print, minion.

"We couldn't give you a bigger office, so we shrunk everything down to make it appear bigger."

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

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