Lawsuit Humorist Gifts

"Forgive Edmund, it's like this everywhere we go! Evertime he hears a siren....lawyer, you know!"

'As a patient I'm glad because the doctor cured me. As a lawyer I'm sad because there's no reason to sue that guy.'

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

"Oh dear, it's just as we suspected.. they do come from another planet."

Patent Attorney (invisible man)

"Bailiff."

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

"Stop billing your daughter for reading her bedtime stories!!"

"Before the defense rests, my client would like to read you a little sonnet he composed about his love for the jury."

"Look, I tried to tell everyone Timmy was in the well but no, what do I know, I'm just a dog!"

The Scones-Monkey Trial. I, Judge Sadie, am prepared to rule. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Intelligent design versus evolution. Borrrinnng. That is my legal finding. Appeal. Will all bipeds please rise.

Loopholes

"Even if I did believe that he was communicating through you. I'm afraid it's too late to change the will now."

'Your Honor, we've decided to go with the inanity defense...'

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

'I got a suspended sentence.'

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

'I believe in trial and error, I believe my client being brought to trial is an error.'

My client is claiming that you have discriminated against him as a species, that your refusal to let him sniff client's bottoms is against his canine rights and that your policies have acted against him reaching partnership.

How was I supposed to know she was under age?

Fairtale prosecutions.

"Repeat after me..."

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

"Are you trying to show contempt for this court."

"I'm sorry, Master, but all my offers to grant your wishes are invalid under the laws of your state."

"...and furthermore that said housewife violated both the animal cruelty statute as well as the disability act when she willfully cut off the tails of three visually impaired rodents."