Lawsuit Humorist Gifts

"Forgive Edmund, it's like this everywhere we go! Evertime he hears a siren....lawyer, you know!"

'As a patient I'm glad because the doctor cured me. As a lawyer I'm sad because there's no reason to sue that guy.'

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

Patent Attorney (invisible man)

"Bailiff."

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

"Stop billing your daughter for reading her bedtime stories!!"

Loopholes

"Look, I tried to tell everyone Timmy was in the well but no, what do I know, I'm just a dog!"

"Even if I did believe that he was communicating through you. I'm afraid it's too late to change the will now."

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

'I got a suspended sentence.'

'Your Honor, we've decided to go with the inanity defense...'

Justice

Fairtale prosecutions.

"Repeat after me..."

My client is claiming that you have discriminated against him as a species, that your refusal to let him sniff client's bottoms is against his canine rights and that your policies have acted against him reaching partnership.

How was I supposed to know she was under age?

"Are you trying to show contempt for this court."

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

"I'm sorry, Master, but all my offers to grant your wishes are invalid under the laws of your state."

"...and furthermore that said housewife violated both the animal cruelty statute as well as the disability act when she willfully cut off the tails of three visually impaired rodents."

'I believe in trial and error, I believe my client being brought to trial is an error.'

"No, officer, I don' t know how fast I was driving. I had my head sticking out of the window."