Lawsuit Satirist Gifts

'Our class-action suit covers any carbon-based life forms.'

Trial by Media

'It's another corporate lawyer...do we want to buy a soul?'

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

"The ignorance of the lawyer is no excuse."

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

'He started it!'

"Thank you for the rewind, Miss Cooper. Now let us fast-forward to that fateful moment in February and hit the pause button."

'It's all just an unfortunate misunderstanding, Your Honor, it was 'Talk Like a Pirate' day, and,,,,'

'It's an idea whose time has come, Mr. Mayor -- 'drive-through traffic court'!'

"I got probation."

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

Judge about dancing lawyer: 'When you get to the second stanza of this song and dance, please approach the bench.'

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

"We calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96."

Cop Shop/Fake evidence/Plant now for spring.

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"One soft drink and eleven stiff drinks."

Robert Macaire as a Barrister

'I hope you don't mind. To save time and money, we've sworn in the firing squad as the jury.'

No offense intended your honor…It just seemed like this case screamed for a frivolous law suit…

'That's the last frivolous law suit I want to see any lawyer wearing in this court!'

"Of course, if you get your client off in the initial trial you're throwing away the appeal fee."

'Littering, Your Honor.'

"I sentence you 500 hours of community service - You can start by mopping this floor."

'Your honor, we are appealing on grounds the post-trial book deals didn't match the pre-trial publicity.'

'I'm afraid that driving the getaway car is more than just a driving offence, Mr. Jones.'

'I wasn't expecting this when they said they wanted to settle out of court!!'

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

'... Yeah. That just means we aren't much good.'

Out of Court Settlement

"Am I the party of the first part or the party of the second part?"

"Wait! First, his attorney."