Law And Laughter Fan Gifts

"There's no hurry. Want a donut?"

Trial by Media

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

A baby in court

Just our luck...old school crime translation classes!

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"

"We understand you wish to report a crime Madam? I'm Inspector La Garde and this is my able assistant Defective Constable Wallis."

'Is there any chance I could do the five years vicariously?'

'Now, you can SWASH, and you can BUCKLE, but you can't SWASHBUCKLE.'

Judge to attorneys in courtroom wearing boxing gloves: 'Looks like you're both ready for your opening arguments, gentlemen?'

'Let's agree to disagree.'

HM Prison chapel, "try to think of the lord as a 24 hour video surveillance system gathering pictures for the ultimate crimewatch"

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"I'll convert. What does the attorney general recommend?"

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

"Your Honor, I wish to introduce as Exhibit A this bullet with the victim's name on it."

Arrest of La Tuta

John McWit, Divorce Lawyer & Celibate,

"Yeah, I'm out on bail: The judge laughed when he said I was not a flight risk..."

"From here on out it's term and conditions."

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

Hermes, Process Server Of The Gods

“This daily metamorphosis never fails to amaze me. Around the house, I’m a perfect idiot. I come to court, futon a black robe, and, by God, I’m it!”

Solicitor tells cats: 'It's unorthodox, I know, but old Mrs Featherstone has left her entire estate to her immediate family.'

"I'm not that kind of pro-Bono lawyer."

"Whereupon the defendant let out a very sharp, hard-edged laugh that fell to the floor and painfully injured the plaintiff's right foot!"

"I charge by the grain."

'My client is willing to endure raised eyebrows from the general public for his behaviour.'

"I can assure you, Your Honor, that my client knocked over the liquor store with the best of intentions."

Courtroom. Next time I wouldn't say "Convincingly, I hope" when the judge asks how you plead.

"It's been in self-drive mode all morning, maybe it's not programmed to recognise stop signs?"

"My client demands a jury trial."

'Okay, just be patient -- it could be months before they learn to obey all of these.'

The Washington Arbitrators