Laughing At Logic Gifts

60 minutes I.Q. test - pick the counterfeit.

"I need to tinkle."

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

'All dogs have 4 legs. Tabby has 4 legs. But I'm just a kid, so I don't have to think logically.'

"Would you describe the pain everyone else causes you as dull and throbbing or sharp like a knife?"

"My mom got it on. She said you'd get it off."

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

'This cola only has half the calories, so if I only drink half that would be no calories!'

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

House of Wishful Thinking

"If I had three wishes, my last wish would be to only have two wishes."

"Welcome back, Mr. Bigley. Some messages came in for you while you were dead."

Emotional Incontinence - Emotional Illiteracy

Occasionally, when logic and rational inferences based on experience were not enough, Plato and Aristotle would resort to settling their discourse by other means.

'Oh dear.'

'I had a really bad day at work! . . . I was expecting it to be utterly horrific. . . but in the end it was just really bad. . . My cracked glass is half full!'

Truck collision due to incompetence

Lacking a basic understanding of plot and humour, Alan Turing was really confused when Temptation and Consciouence stood on the wrong shoulder.

"He's afraid of needles..."

'According to Legal, just THINKING about this project is an infringement of someone's copyright!'

Attorney and client, fortitude and impatience

'Can you believe that seven women, that's 83.5% of females in the 21-50 age band who are present, think I'm boring?'

'Do you look in the mirror after you've washed?'

“It’s not working because you’re on the wrong side of the fence – look, I’m pulling and it’s not working. I can’t believe you don’t see this …”

'Well, I lost my campaign for re-election, but I've been offered big bucks for my blooper reel!'

Opportunity. All I need is your credit card number!

I don't care if going straight is quicker - next time we go around.

"Doctor, I have a question about my medication."

"I've never needed health insurance - I just make sure that I always owe money to everybody."

'You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? Well, that's I never take a bath.'

"Oh, that wasn't me talking. It was the alcohol talking."

"Ok Mr. Mosley, before we go, would you fill in these forms and complete the questionnaire - not forgetting to leave feedback regarding your judgement-day experience. . ."