Laugh-out-louder Gifts

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

Snowprov

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

POP goes the weasel, Collin, not ka-boom splat.

"I don't know whether to be mad that you had water this whole time or impressed with your commitment to the joke."

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"And when you realized it was the wrong tree, why do you think you kept barking up it?"

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

"I said to make a thousand CLONES."

"So, is there any other funny business to attend to?"

King and Jester

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

Hypnotoon

"Left, right, left, then straight ahead."

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

Pie chart of pub conversations

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'A friendly reminder, Mr. Parker: There's only room for one long, raucous, 'what-a-stupid-question' laugh in this company, and it's not yours.'

"...dry your eyes, m'boy, and always remember: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and the world laughs AT you."

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

"No, dummy...that's not how we use a napkin!"

Amy Schumer

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'