Laugh-out-loud Lover Gifts

POP goes the weasel, Collin, not ka-boom splat.

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

Snowprov

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

"I don't know whether to be mad that you had water this whole time or impressed with your commitment to the joke."

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

King and Jester

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

Hypnotoon

National Liberty and Tax Codes.

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

'Smile and say: tofu-based dairy substitute.'

Pie chart of pub conversations

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

"...dry your eyes, m'boy, and always remember: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and the world laughs AT you."

'A friendly reminder, Mr. Parker: There's only room for one long, raucous, 'what-a-stupid-question' laugh in this company, and it's not yours.'

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

"Okay, so the current occupants are being tormented by supernatural forces, but they do agree to pay closing costs."

Amy Schumer

"No, dummy...that's not how we use a napkin!"

'I'm afraid we only publish A list celebrity cookbooks.'

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

'That's odd. For most people, getting a pet helps lower blood pressure.'

'We rape, pillage and kill. THAT'S our corporate mission statement.'

'MILK FIGHT!'

'You can come out now, Harold. Economists say a recession won't happen.'