Laugh-inducing Genius Gifts

"I hope, for the sake of society that it's correct. This could be the finest shoe polish ever created."

Shampoo.

"It makes sense when you see the second painting with the lego."

"Would you describe the pain everyone else causes you as dull and throbbing or sharp like a knife?"

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

"How embarrassing, I'm literally glued to the television."

'Hey, guys, come over here. I just discovered the telescope.'

"You guys need to #@%!% fight harder. You're all #@%!% wimps! You call yourselves a #@%!% army? Bull%#!*!"

'If they don't laugh, we'll say it's art.'

Tragedy and Material

Jerry had a difficult time coming up with cartoon ideas over the noise his dogs made. '...so then the cat says, 'No, thanks. I'll clean it myself.' 'Ha,ha! Yeah, that's a good one,Phil!'

Don't use your dog's name as a password

'It's a gadget for buying gadgets over the net.'

"It's weeder's elbow."

"I'm old enough to remember when people thought retirement had something to do with not having a job. Don't laugh! We used to believe all sorts of ridiculous stuff!"

'I went with a tour group to Europe, and they dumped me in Spain.'

"Don't get too excited. Getting a filling does not make you a cyborg."

'You aren't taking your vision health seriously, Mr. Scott.'

Robot with a sense of humour.

"Sin tax? I love it."

"We've got to strike the setup. The patron wants organic."

"I'm going green, too. I'm finally going to mow the lawn."

'Look closely. Do you see the one who stole your identity?'

'Better ease up on the goodnatured barbs...'

'He's so bright he scares me!'

"My science project blew up on the way home!"

Cartoonist Thinking Whilst His Pencil Snoozes.

Happy Valentine's Day! My friend is looking for a valentine's day date. She asked me to build her ideal man. She wants him to be tall and smart so I made him with long legs and a big brain. He has great ears so he's a good listener, and an extra funny bone so he has a wonderful sense of humor. Most important, I was very careful when working on his chest. Her ideal man must have his heart in the right place. Will you be my valentine?

"It was amicable. She got the phones and I got the data plan."

"How do I get this cross hatching out?"

"I'd like you to meet the artist."

The Cliff Whites of Dover

"It's so cold, I don't even feel stupid wearing this hat."

"The Choice is yours, Norman - either we divorce or I have you recycled."

"Under the Freedom of Information Act, I'm requesting that you disclose what you have on me in your files."