Joking Genius Gifts

'You aren't taking your vision health seriously, Mr. Scott.'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

Shampoo.

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"Baldo, you're a very good artist! You should put your talent to use."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Welcome to Sugar Free Farm! The reality show, where celebs go cold turkey on their sugar addictions for two weeks."

Sign in doctors office - Malpractice Makes Perfect.

'Eureka! After months of research and formulating algorithms, I've done it... I've discovered the secret to 'being cool'!'

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

'I can't believe I'm pretending to be 55 already...'

Prisoner still life painting.

"If we only use 10% of our brains, how am I supposed to get passing grades?"

Death comes to both the Archbishop and the Salesman in Venice

"The museum of modern art on fire... an installation."

Jokes machine.

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

Leaving cards.

'Frankly, I don't see a problem. By its very nature inherited wealth entitles you to be second-rate.'

'Lift off, we have lift off...'

"You guys need to #@%!% fight harder. You're all #@%!% wimps! You call yourselves a #@%!% army? Bull%#!*!"

"How embarrassing, I'm literally glued to the television."

'Don't ask how much your hospital bill is because we have no way of knowing.'

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

Jerry had a difficult time coming up with cartoon ideas over the noise his dogs made. '...so then the cat says, 'No, thanks. I'll clean it myself.' 'Ha,ha! Yeah, that's a good one,Phil!'

Broad Minded

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

"We shall now commence throwing money at the problem."

The Scientist

'And that one painted and forgot to close the curtains.'

How do bright women get pregnant?

"Well—yeah, maybe I could use a sidekick."

'Stand-up climatologist...'

"About 77,000 years ago the human lineage split into two branches. Homo sapiens sapiens and Homo stupidicus dumbelsii."