Joking Genius Pillows

'You aren't taking your vision health seriously, Mr. Scott.'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

Shampoo.

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"Baldo, you're a very good artist! You should put your talent to use."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Welcome to Sugar Free Farm! The reality show, where celebs go cold turkey on their sugar addictions for two weeks."

Sign in doctors office - Malpractice Makes Perfect.

'Eureka! After months of research and formulating algorithms, I've done it... I've discovered the secret to 'being cool'!'

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"If we only use 10% of our brains, how am I supposed to get passing grades?"

Prisoner still life painting.

Death comes to both the Archbishop and the Salesman in Venice

"The museum of modern art on fire... an installation."

Jokes machine.

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

Leaving cards.

'Lift off, we have lift off...'

'Frankly, I don't see a problem. By its very nature inherited wealth entitles you to be second-rate.'

"How embarrassing, I'm literally glued to the television."

"You guys need to #@%!% fight harder. You're all #@%!% wimps! You call yourselves a #@%!% army? Bull%#!*!"

'Don't ask how much your hospital bill is because we have no way of knowing.'

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

Jerry had a difficult time coming up with cartoon ideas over the noise his dogs made. '...so then the cat says, 'No, thanks. I'll clean it myself.' 'Ha,ha! Yeah, that's a good one,Phil!'

Broad Minded

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

"We shall now commence throwing money at the problem."

'And that one painted and forgot to close the curtains.'

The Scientist

How do bright women get pregnant?

"About 77,000 years ago the human lineage split into two branches. Homo sapiens sapiens and Homo stupidicus dumbelsii."

"Well—yeah, maybe I could use a sidekick."

'Stand-up climatologist...'