Last Hurrah Planner Gifts

"Get me my gun. I want to squeeze off a few last rounds."

The end of summer is near and you still haven't made plans

Out To Lurch

Margarita

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

"He wanted a heavily decorated cake for his birthday."

"Death coach..."

"I'm trying to gain 10 pounds before midnight so I can keep my resolution to lose 10 pounds next year."

"We gotta find a way to increase our Halloween candy."

'My dress is thirteen years old today!'

'Well, this is definitely the last time I shake a bottle of Champagne before opening it.'

'What a control freak!'

"As your CPA, I would recommend you count the number of eggs before you hide them."

'You add the girl after baking.'

Biodegradable helium balloons.

'They call them gifts, but they make you pay for them.'

'I have to say Joey: That's a funny way to have a sleepover!'

"Can't you read? Our shipment is late."

The other day during the zombie apocalypse

Florist.

'You're laying down that bottle for when Rich graduates from college? Don't you ever want to drink it?'

Happy birthday! Your card is in here somewhere. Living with a mail carrier.

"That reminds me, we must sort out your will."

'Can I sleep over in the real world? Please, please, please, please.'

'Darling, I told you not to call me at work.'

Two grooms and a cat on a wedding cake.

'My backup special...'

'The end is near.'

'I'm running a little behind. I got rear-ended.'

'If the Mayan calendar is right, how should I back up my files?'

'The last time you had a slumber party, it took a week to unclog the drains.'

"Chief, I'd like a four-year sabbatical to prepare for the millennium."

"No, you can't go out like that. Just because the world is ending is no reason to dress like a heathen."

Ok, I've set you up with an offshore back account, so you can hide your valuables for use after the oncoming apocalypse. You're too kind, sir. Where is it? Caymans? Switzerland? That's amateur stuff. The economy's increasingly global. When America goes down, it could take the Swiss and Cayman economies down with it. Then where – To open your account, I'll need your passport, tax returns, and a map of your genome. Bank of Deneb Prime. Trump turned me on to it.

"It's my life line in case the rapture happens, so I'm not left behind."