Language Manipulators Gifts

'The government focus group found the 'suicide' concept too depressing...so they want to refer to it as an 'after-life opportunities programme'!'

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

"Ahhh....I think that was a flying fuck."

Alphabet soup gets cold for slow readers.

'Technically, I was making fun of your writing ability.'

"Today I came across antiderenuclearizationalityness."

"I was downgraded to junk status at work today."

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

'Boss, it seems like a friendly text, but you've got to learn to read between the emoticons.'

Wordplay: Nonstarter.

Actually, Mama was her third word. Buy Now were her first two.

"The trouble with spelling rules is that they impede creativity."

'Should-do and shouldn't-do sound a lot alike.'

'I'll try to keep my remarks brief.'

'Tell them there'll be no retaliation, then check with the chiefs of staff, the media and our major allies what leeway we have in the adapted dissuasion department.'

'It says here you can talk trash in five languages.'

We pay the maximum minimum wage.

Reading: Phonics. Using phonics, you learn to read by the sounds of letters. Any questions? Yes. Why does "phonics" begin with "p-h" and not with "f"?

Have our P.R. people do a report on the beneficial effects of cyanide on river life.

'They decided to immure the ladrone in a drogue.'

'Hey! Did you suddenly forget English? Get in here!'

Wordplay: Mandate - Escort Agency.

Ventriloquist's fete

"Whoa, too much information!"

"You sure know how to talk to sales clerks!"

Adjusted sales pitch: 'Congratulations! You may already be a non-winner.'

'Let me put this in dog terms: Woof! Woof! Bark! Bark! Bow-wow-wow!'

"You're on kid. Break a string!"

"A huge breakthrough from our research and development team. . . they've figure out a way to fool all of the people all of the time!"

"So, you've got butterflies in your stomach, a bug in your ear and a bee in your bonnet. Any other complaints?"

'Hurry, hurry! What's he saying?'

"He fights me when I tell him to take a nap. When I reword it and say go reboot, he doesn't have a problem."

"I don't want them overexcited,so we don't say T-R-E-A-T around Buddy or B-E-E-R around Bob."

"I'm sorry – you have the wrong language."

Generational curses: 'Yeah A virus on your PC'