Language Barrier Humorist Pillows

Translating Contractor to English

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Torturing the English Language

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

"Four hours study and the poor love still can't decide which luxury saloon to buy for himself."

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

Vegan Restaurant: ''amburgers! Sausages! RISSOLES!'

No, that's "Virginia Wolf" with one "o."

Psychiatry. I have an irrational fear of words like "and," "or," "but" and "if"! And, conjunctivitis!

An English and French student converse.

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

Superhero with Acrophobia

'Try hitting him harder.' 'Is that all you have to say?' 'Try hitting him harder, PLEASE.'

"Hey how do you spell Abominable?"

Bomb Pronouns

"The nomenclature of 'political correctness' is devisive and opens the profession to ridicule!"

'I could murder a pint!'

Jenkins discovers the dark underworld of palindrome chatrooms.

Fauna Hybrids

"Fred, no one is going to bother you here. Put away the Bare Spray."

Canal No. 5: Vagrance

'Turner don't use that expression 'Pie int he sky' its sounds ridiculous and don't point!'

A day in the life of a serial mis-pronouncer.

Canadian wildfires

Lift

"Sit, sir. Harvard M.B.A. I speak business patois."

Thirteen states sounds so unlucky --- Are you sure we can't Nova Scotia to join?

"My pronouns are fee/she."