Landlord Gifts

"I would die, but I have a rent-controlled apartment."

'We're just renting, with an option to skip town in the middle of the night.'

"Sure, we need affordable housing - just so long as it doesn't come at the expense of unaffordable housing."

'Surely it is no longer legal to include 'deposit of your first-born child'?'

'Here is the lead-based paint information, Fair Housing criteria, laws regarding tobacco use outdoors, slip-and-fall warning, and, barring any further public hysteria, the lease itself.'

"I don't want stock options. I want you to pay your tab."

'No! You can't sublet to a chipmunk!'

'Sorry...I don't deal with lease issues.'

'The lease says, 'No Pets'! Chickens ain't pets!'

Trophies of debt collector's heads.

'I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable with signing a long term lease.'

"Anyone here named Hippity?"

'Your glass is half full!'

'Sorry, my dog says no landlords allowed!'

'I've never known people who take as many baths as they do!'

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

"Just to let you know - we're putting up your rent again..."

Real Estate Depression

"He huffed and he puffed and he increased our rent."

' I gather you wish to reassign your lease, Higgins.'

"You can hear this?"

'These days you're lucky to have a sound tenant.'

'My kids don't understand me.'

'Your tenancy deposit will be held and protected securely in accordance with an authorised statutory scheme which is supervised by Big Larry, here ...'

"Once upon a time there were three little pigs who had this real sweetheart of a rent-controlled deal."

'Water is included with rent.'

For rent!

'When I drink, I don't drive. I stay right here where it's safe and cozy.'

Complaints at the Beehive Condo

'Can I assume from the rent that this place comes with its own butler?'

"Oh, stop complaining! Our partner agencies conducted a full tenant consultation exercise!"

"Oh, sure, I remember him. He was quiet, mostly kept to himself, paid the rent on time. You know, we were only married for sixteen years."

Body by Jake

Landlord holding back a tennant from his money: 'It's all part of the service!'

Tenants Wanted: "We're in luck, boys!"