Landlord Life Gifts

"All this talk of a 'lack of affordable housing' is nonsense....I should know, I've got six!"

'Men are like fragments of soap... they get together in bars!'

'Think I preferred the old Irish barman.'

'No ice.'

"The woman on the fire escape who acted like it was a balcony"

'No standing while room is in motion.'

'Your husband? He's just leaving...'

'I know it's gassy...'

Best Before 5th Pint.

Shaken not stirred

'As my solicitor I think you could have negotiated that better.'

'Why would anyone order a pint of stoat?'

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

'We get our draft straight from the brewery.'

'Okay then, what's the price break on TWENTY drinks?'

"My path to success and fortune was that rather than foraging and storing my own food, I built a portfolio of storage properties to rent..."

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

"Just water for me, please."

Barman In Love.

Bar: Now serving 24 hours - 'I want to get as wasted as you look.'

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

'John, I have to get going. Here's my views on politics, sports, and automobiles in case some of the boys come in later.'

'There goes any chance of us getting our security deposit back.'

"I rented out the basement."

"You're looking a bit RUFF this morning."

'Honey, the neighbors have persuaded me to stop coming out into the hallway every morning to play 'reveille'!'

"What'll ya have?"

'Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine... LAST!'

'Telephone call for Mr. Right!'

I asked my girlfriend if there was someone else...

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

'What happened to your hand.'