Lactose-free Living Gifts

New Milks

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

'Snap, crackle, help! I'm lactose intolerant!'

"Plastic straws. No fish were spared in the making of this product."

'Can't stand diary products myself, but a job's a job.'

The Nihilist Deli.

'Would you like that organic, locally grown, carbon neutral, fair trade, trans fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free and peanut-free?'

'The Ailing Matisse tries cutting out meat and dairy products.'

"I'm pretty lucky. I have a wife that tolerates both my lactose and bad habits."

"We couldn't find a raw-vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, non-G.M.O. cake for your birthday, so we got you nothing."

A psychic predicts the discovery of gluten.

'I've never heard of a lactose intolerant cow!'

'It's gluten-free or free range or something. Enjoy.'

"I was the first one to work completely gluten free."

"How could they possibly know it's gluten-free, low gi. . . ?"

"So, it's Gluten free, lactose free and meat free. How does it taste?"

"Actually, lactose is the only thing Herb isn't intolerant of."

"It might taste a little different. It's gluten-free slop."

Gluten-Free Church

Mouse, caught in trap after attempting to get cheese, says: 'That's it ??" I'm quitting dairy.'

"Run! It's Armagluten!"

"Y' know, a GOOD host would provide a lactose-free option!"

"It looks like there is too much dairy in your diet."

"One gluten-free, lactose-free, low carb pizza."

"Well, my wife is lactose-maltose-dextrose-sucrose-cellulose intolerant, which means I can't even hand her an empty box of candy."

'Help! I'm a coeliac get me out of here!'

"She's diversifying her portfolio."

"This was supposed to be 'Gluten-Free Comedy Night.' Which means no wheat jokes."

"And I told them not to use lactose for the last supper..."

"It's glutton-free."

"That doesn't make any sense - The Milky Way shouldn't affect your lactose-intolerance."

'I'm lactose intolerant, gluten intolerant, vegan and allergic to tomatoes...what have you got that's good?'

"The gluten is free. The pizza, however, cost $12.95."

"Oh, sure, I eat gluten ... but only in certain restaurants."

"Not unless they're gluten-free bread crumbs."