Knock-knock Jokester Pillows

"Knock knock."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozak.

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"You idiots … we lost!"

"Apparently, I'm fun, but I'm no fun in bed."

'What, not even a kiss first?'

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

'Todd don't be such a clown...'

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'