Kitchen Conversationalist T-Shirts

"Have you head about the tree falling in the forest, but no one hears it, because some guy's wife won't stop talking?"

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

"Would you ever want to know if I'd done something sort of all too human?"

"I've gained weight during lockdown, but I figure some of it is hair retention."

"I prefer the term 'barista.'"

"The sourdough starter says it still believes Covid was a hoax."

'If you have any complaints, can you come to me first before you post them on myspace.com?'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

"That's our house, that's Mommy going to work, and that's you, staring out the window, wondering where it all went wrong."

Soup of the month.

'Like death by salad.'

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

Wok. Don't Wok.

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

Clyde in his 'egg-beater.'

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"Five hamburgers with buns, three hamburgers without buns and two buns, without hamburgers."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"I specialise in themed dinners 'Titanic', 'Armageddon' , 'Towering Inferno'..."

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

"Our cook is new, so ge's Googling what goes on a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich as we speak."

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

Why did Ernie take that off his wrist and put it here when he had to leave the kitchen? For safety reasons. A watched pot never boils. Ernie says you are what you eat. It's true in his case. Ernie is just like his food. He is sweet, and has some but not too much spice. Plus there's nothing artificial about him. Also like his food, Ernie is an acquired taste. And to me they have both become irresistibly delicious!

The Origins of Everything

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'