Culinary Conversationalists T-Shirts

'...and a boiled potato,a pinch of garlic,stirring constantly and then...'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

Omar Khayyam Meets Trader Joe

'The Burrito King.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"I come here for the pepper."

Recipes from the Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook

A Club Sandwitch.

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

Full English Breakfast.

The Origins of Everything

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

A burgandy from when the dow hit a record high.

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"