Kitchen Calamity Fan Pillows

"I remember his last words were, 'Another bite and I'll burst!'..."

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"My apologies, sir. Our chef forgot to take his beta-blocker."

'I told you she is a bad cook - that's just defrosting the chips.'

'It's easy to remember - if it's steam she's ironing and if it's thick black smoke she's cooking.'

It's a male thing - I saw a toaster with power assist, and I bought it.

"Are you sure you want to see the kitchen? The chef is naked."

Roasted

"Hang on, I know I came into the kitchen for something..."

'I burned my fingers by touching the hot breakfast eggs, but next time, I'll peel them before I put them into boiling water!'

It's all gravy.

Disaster in the kitchen.

Bake off: Flan B

'Not beans on toast again.' - 'No, toast on beans. I dropped it.'

Wall Cluck.

"And then, after they were done with their bodies, they baked them at 350 degrees for an hour."

'Excuse me sir, how do you feel about artificial intelligence?'

Landslide Hazard

'3 hamburgers, 2 servings of fries, 1 vanilla shake...'

"What are you looking up, recipes for disaster?"

'Believe it or not you're our greatest liability Jones!'

'Honey, I think you have an error message coming in from the kitchen.'

To her, the four basic food groups are canned, frozen, fast and delivered.

'Fish fresh?' 'I don't know I've only been here two weeks .'

"...when oil begins shimmering...stir in vegetables and cook until tender."

'Please stand by. We have temporary loss of your roast.'

'I know junk e-mail is everywhere but spam on toast?'

"That's not the boiling oil, that's my casserole!"

"Oh my god- the salad's on fire!"

Honey, come eat your oatmeal before it sets!

'Before I bring it in,darling-don't forget you married JANIE Oliver and not Jamie!'

Microphone Feedback

'That new recipe didn't quite work out. Do you fancy popping down to the chippy?'

"Iron Chef, my ass!"

'Thanks for the best birthday gift I ever got...a slow cooker.'