Kids' Chaos Manager Pillows

Why children, apples and honey should not be left unsupervised.

"There's smart phones and smart cars, so why can't there be smart rooms that clean themselves?"

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Maureen Alsop is leaving her magnolia, and her delphinium and her cats with us this weekend."

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'Don't be alarmed if you hear the toilet flush a lot. Since you don't feel well, I thought I'd wash the dishes for you.'

'Hey, everyone! I think I found the bottleneck!'

'No, that wasn't your mother calling to ask if you were okay. That was your mother calling to ask if I was okay.'

'We're playing trampoline, mom.'

'I suppose an explanation is in order?'

'You'll find there's no middle ground with Kirk Knoland.'

"Hold on a second, Bob. I'm putting you on a stickie."

'We've moved some fussy people, but she tops it!'

"Funny, I don't remember signing up for this."

Stockwell's day

Caution: use only under child supervison

'Anthony! And all over my new carpet! Bad cat! Bad cat!'

"I'm making a list of everything we have to do before we go away so we can freak out in some kind of order."

Turn Down For What.

"'Parent' should always be an action verb."

'None of the other things had instructions.'

"No, I wasn't in a car accident. As a new parent, I'm still trying not to trip on all the toys on the floor."

Women pay for one hour of uninterrupted sleep.

Man falls through ceiling - 'Did you find the leak?'

A Mom's Purse

'It's OK to take your work home with you. It's not OK to bring your home to work with you.'

'You think you have it rough. Try organizing a waiting room.'

Businessman with novelty in and out baskets.

''D' is for 'Despair'; 'E' is for 'Exhaustion'.'

Cat chess

'Why is it when ever we have guests, you have to go and make a scene?'

'We won't know how many diapers it takes to soak up a bathtub full of water until we get more diapers.'

'We're drying Jimmy's clothes, mom!'

"Little Ethan is quite the handful, but Susan and I have no regrets about stealing him from the maternity ward."