Child Chaos Master Pillows

'Don't just sit there buffering, clean up you room.'

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'No, that wasn't your mother calling to ask if you were okay. That was your mother calling to ask if I was okay.'

"She was right -- Her teddy bear did squish your action figure!"

'We're playing trampoline, mom.'

"Instead of taking a bath couldn't I just run through a carwash?"

"The children took off their own coats this morning, Pastor."

'They made it like that so the kids wouldn't bother you.'

"But mom, all you said was 'get all your stuff up off the floor!' "

'Actually, they're pretty nice, once they settle down.'

'None of the other things had instructions.'

'Just wait until I'm introduced to carbonated beverages!'

"Listen up and listen up good, 'cause I'm only going to say this a million times."

"Can't you just relax and enjoy my childhood."

''D' is for 'Despair'; 'E' is for 'Exhaustion'.'

"Well, could you give me a ballpark number?"

'You don't mind distractions as much as me, so I didn't think you'd mind if my kids played in your office today.'

Why children, apples and honey should not be left unsupervised.

'Oh my God, we've been burgle- ... oh wait, I just remembered, we've got children.'

Surprise

"I downloaded the Laugh Track app yo soften mom when I give her my lame excuse."

"I like to be disciplined about my writing, sharpening my pencils and organising my desk in the morning which leaves me time for writers block after lunch and a nervous breakdown in the evening."

"I did take off my muddy shoes, mom...these are my socks!"

"We tried matching your child's behavioral patterns with one of those new-fangled medical condition, but it turns out that he really is just a precocious little twerp!"

Jared's 'Crayon On Wall' collection.

I'm beginning to see why they call these SELF-inking stamps'

Fred brings home one too many cute refrigerator magnets.

"Slow down! You're toasting your Blackberry and talking into a Pop Tart."

'For heaven's sake, couldn't you have spelled it out?'

Hello, you have reached the Johnsons. All of our family members are currently busy sharing the events of their day. Please continue to hold, and the next available 4-year-old will be with you shortly. Machines Programmed for Telemarketers.

Meet my three pets

Bathtime

'I am not a pack rat...I am a collector!'