Justice Jester Gifts

'Perhaps you would like to rephrase your last answer.'

"Remember, we can only afford to do all this pro bono because of how much anti bono pays."

"You've been charged with driving under the influence of testosterone."

"Not guilty, Your Honor, and thank you for asking."

"It was WORSE than guilty! - The jury found me NONCOMPLIANT!"

'Well, I've never called an expert witness on expert witnesses before...'

'Your hindsight on this case, was far more accurate than his forsight.'

Hearsay evidence.

"My fees are quite high, and yet you say you have little money. I think I'm seeing a conflict of interest here."

"Don't make me come down there."

"I'm not accusing you of anything, Your Honor. I'm just saying the tip jar may create an impression of impropriety."

"I find in these cases that the best defense is a pack of lies."

Will give expert witness testimony for food

'Hmmm...It is: innocent until proven guilty? Or is it: guilty until proven innocent?'

"Tails it is. We find the defendant guilty."

'And so 'Your Honor'... if that really is your name...'

'Do you plead guilty or not guilty?'

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

We also find the defendant's lawyer guilty by association.

"Someday I'll catch you without your mallet, little man."

'But, Your Honor, I thought absolute power was supposed to be corrupt.'

"Look, I'm not blaming you. I'm just suing you."

"Yes, the search was totally by-the-book. I recall covering my eyes and counting to 100 before I began looking."

"The last thing you want to do while on the stand is pull a temper tantrum."

'...If you cannot afford a lawyer, the trial will go a lot faster.'

"Be advised, Counsellor, the court will not tolerate a circuslike atmosphere."

'I could only get you a plea bargain of ninety years without parole. But... That's life.'

"I don't know if it's me or the system, but it seems harder and harder to make a mockery of justice."

'Is it true? -- Did you push the plaintiff so that she fall down go boom?'

Everyone smile and say FEES

"Don't get cute with me, counsellor."

'Clever defense, but I can't buy calling insider trading an 'alternate lifestyle.''

'Look, I'm sorry... but you could hardly expect me to remember every little thing I learned in Law School...'

"If you prick a corporation, does it not bleed? If you tickle it, does it not laugh? If you poison it, does it not die?"

See no evidence, hear no evidence, speak no evidence.