Justice Jester Pillows

"Remember, we can only afford to do all this pro bono because of how much anti bono pays."

'Perhaps you would like to rephrase your last answer.'

"You've been charged with driving under the influence of testosterone."

"Not guilty, Your Honor, and thank you for asking."

"It was WORSE than guilty! - The jury found me NONCOMPLIANT!"

'Well, I've never called an expert witness on expert witnesses before...'

"My fees are quite high, and yet you say you have little money. I think I'm seeing a conflict of interest here."

'Your hindsight on this case, was far more accurate than his forsight.'

Hearsay evidence.

"Don't make me come down there."

"I'm not accusing you of anything, Your Honor. I'm just saying the tip jar may create an impression of impropriety."

"I find in these cases that the best defense is a pack of lies."

Will give expert witness testimony for food

'And so 'Your Honor'... if that really is your name...'

'Do you plead guilty or not guilty?'

"Tails it is. We find the defendant guilty."

'Hmmm...It is: innocent until proven guilty? Or is it: guilty until proven innocent?'

"Someday I'll catch you without your mallet, little man."

We also find the defendant's lawyer guilty by association.

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

"Look, I'm not blaming you. I'm just suing you."

'But, Your Honor, I thought absolute power was supposed to be corrupt.'

"Yes, the search was totally by-the-book. I recall covering my eyes and counting to 100 before I began looking."

"I don't know if it's me or the system, but it seems harder and harder to make a mockery of justice."

"Be advised, Counsellor, the court will not tolerate a circuslike atmosphere."

'I could only get you a plea bargain of ninety years without parole. But... That's life.'

"The last thing you want to do while on the stand is pull a temper tantrum."

'...If you cannot afford a lawyer, the trial will go a lot faster.'

'Look, I'm sorry... but you could hardly expect me to remember every little thing I learned in Law School...'

"Don't get cute with me, counsellor."

'Clever defense, but I can't buy calling insider trading an 'alternate lifestyle.''

Everyone smile and say FEES

'Is it true? -- Did you push the plaintiff so that she fall down go boom?'

"If you prick a corporation, does it not bleed? If you tickle it, does it not laugh? If you poison it, does it not die?"

'If you help a criminal before the crime your an accomplice, If you help afterwards, you're a lawyer.'