Junky Gourmet Gifts

'While Mom's away Dad will be feeding us from the four major food groups: Canned, Frozen, Fast and Junk.'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, onion bagel with Nutella and cream cheese, dirt, dirt, dirt..."

"How fresh is the calamari?"

'I'll have the bacon and hay wrap.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Would you care for some fresh pepper? Well too bad, because all we have is these dried up old peppercorns.'

'We call it the 'Tomato Surprise' because the chef tinkered with the DNA a little.'

'As far as we know, no one who has eaten our genetically-modified food has turned into a creature or anything.'

Cat eating fish from fishbowl.

The Good Feud Guide - 'Delia Smith does a nice roasted Worrall-Thompson.'

O'Malley's Pub. Special: Cloned Beef and Cabbage. Is nothing sacred anymore?

'That's funny... I could have sworn I saw the chef put him on the platter.'

'Pigs feet, sir? 'ARE THEY PICKLED?'

(No caption). Woman looks at cookie sheet which contains two cookies. One is a frowning gingerbread man whose arm, leg and part of its stomach have been bitten off. The second cookie is a smiling gingerbread man who has a very full stomach.

Stand back - while I whip something up

'Make it four beers and an '02 Brunello di Montalcino, if you've got it, for you-know-who.'

'He left it to me. Isn't a double Salmanazar of '55 Chateau Cheval Blanc the perfect match with the side garden salad?'

Chinese Novel Cookie

Frisbee dog catching pizza dough

"Do you have a dollar menu?"

'It's her signature dish.'

"This can't be soup....where are all the little letters that usually float in it?"

'Coool! What's that called? 'Suicide bomber chicken'?'

Virgin Olive Oil. Not-Virgin-But-Has-A-Heart-Of-Gold Olive Oil.

'It's all made by stateless people, wanderers, nomads, whose only anchor is cheese.'

'Manners are the noises you don't make while you eat.'

"I eat the genetically modified flounder all the time and it's delicious."

"And for dessert we offer death by chocolate, after life sponge, or the damned for eternity tart."

'Your diet is so bad that your arteries are all blocked, but the angioplasty should open things up and get the maple syrup flowing again.'

'I forgot to bring my lunch - could I clone yours?'

Popular methods for getting the check

"There's U.N. Weapons Inspectors at the door. They need to see your meatloaf."

"Let me guess. You want a happy meal."

'Hoopla!'