Jovial Parent Gifts

"Attention, everyone! Here comes Poppa, and we're going to drive dull care away! It's quips and cranks and wanton wiles, nods and becks and wreathed smiles."

'I'm so relieved Doc: It would have been a tragedy if he had had a peanut allergy...'

"You're invited to our management excursion. Come dresses as a pinata."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

Candid Camera store.

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

"Yeah, my life flashed before my eyes!...OK, it was food - all the food I've ever eaten flashed before my eyes."

'The Saxon King' pub

Family doing circus trick heading to the circus.

Complaints Desk

Death Photobombs a Holiday

'I taught him to shake hands, but I don't know where he got the joybuzzer!'

Doctor to patient: 'I won't be asking about your three marriages. This isn't an invasive procedure.'

"I let go of all my earthly attachments, but there's one I can't seem to shake."

'The chef wants to know if you mind having the dessert tomorrow...'

"What the... an apple?! Hey, I can make schnapps out of it and if you've had plenty of it, gravity pulls you to the ground!"

'I'm not as think as you drunk I am.'

Nyargh! - 'I swear I will never eat fibre again...' - 'I christen thee 'Titan'.'

"Growing old is not the problem... it's not being rich that's the problem."

"Look - the FIRST EVER picture of a black hole!! What do you think?"

"I take it you'l like to open joint accounts. . ."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"It's important to learn numbers. Then you can have a pin number and get money from ATMs."

'Listen, pal, Happy Hour was over ten minutes ago.'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Racing - No. II - IV

"You can't fake throwing sticks this many times and expect to just waltz in here, Mr. Federman."

'Every year was the same. There was always some clown or comedian in Brian's intake of pupils.'

Learn to Laugh at Yourself

"Oh my....Look how much you've grown."

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Hunting - No. III

"At our age I figure we only have two taste buds left. One for vodka and one for wine."

"I don't care what they do, as long as they don't mess with the thirty-two-ounce martini."

'Apparently he does 20 yards to the pint.'

"Tell me more about these abandonment issues."

'Rudolf?'