Journal Reader Gifts

"Great news from the science journal. They was us to rethink our methodology, but they love our results."

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

Dear Diary. . . why, oh why, did I choose an adventure holiday?

"Are all Brits bisexual, or just the ones who publish their diaries?"

Breaking News: Earth Crosses Multiple Lanes, Crashes into Sun... Distracted Orbiting to Blame.

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

"The car is in the garage, but I had to drive over the lawnmower."

"It's me. I'm calling in sick of it."

Reading the sports pages.

Rhinoceros Is Most Intelligent Ungulate

"I'm torn, Randy. I don't know what to think." "About what, little buddy?" "Star Trek. The last movie got rave reviews. Critics and audiences loved it. Therefore, I loved it too. But it didn't come anywhere close to earning $1 billion at the box office. And these days, any movie that doesn't earn $1 billion is a complete failure. Therefore, I must hate it. I'm in limbo until the hive mind comes to a consensus." "Except for honey, nothing good ever comes from hives."

"Well, I think we come back as newspapers." "You're nuts."

The Paper Route

"Now that you've won the Super Bowl what will you do next?"

Cleaner dusting under man's toupee.

'Is there a psychiatrist in the house - the cast is very depressed over opening night reviews!'

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

'No, I am not finished with the comics section, now give me back my glasses!'

Dear Dairy

"Expedition log #57: Like the rest of the week, I expect today will be another uneventful day."

"How do you spell, asteroid?"

Highlights for Adults

"This is the way I like it - I pretend to be asleep and he doesn't bother me."

dog reading EKG

"Someday when you have a kid of your own and you feel the urge to arbitrarily say no just because you can, you'll understand."

"I'd never have known the joys of a journal if my attorney hadn't insisted I keep one."

"Although your discovery is very important, the consensus is that your article about it lacked suspense, and was completely devoid of humor."

"I'm just making a few behavioral notes in my journal, then I'll chase him."

'Nothing's happened today-read it dead slowly.'

News and Magazines. New Economic Regulations. "New economic regulations" --- What do you suppose they are? "Come to a complete stop"?

'It's our latest line-suits for t.v announcers'

"Today we will focus on how the author makes the same exact complaints about here life, from her sixth birthday and on."

Have you heard that time is not a constant, Randy? Of course, little buddy It's called "time dilation." Time moves slower for objects in motion than it does for objects that sit still. I'm a prime example. I haven't aged a day in decades. I still have rippling muscles, a smooth pelt, glistening teeth, twinkling eyes, a raging libido, and the boundless confidence of youth ... all because I'm always on the move. I'm writing a study on it for the Journal of Temporal Hotness. I've been meaning to as

"I hope I live long enough to see Bush's view of his legacy come true! I'll be around a long, long, long time!"

"Darling, there's an offer for a time-share nest in Florida: Should we apply?"