Joking Pillows

'Had you subscribed to my podcast, you would have learned my dog ate my homework.'

Fake Near-death Kit.

The only thing Fred hated more than weeds were weeds that made puns.

'All of our guests are required to wear Groucho safety glasses.'

"No...ha-ha, no, but seriously, boy, I'm going to have to eat you now."

'When you get older everything hurts... and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

'What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?'

"They say the early forties is the new late thirties."

"The witness will confine his 'Knock knock' answers to 'Who's there?'"

"Can Johnny come out to eat?"

Bishop has his robes stuck in his pants.

The Buttox.

"I'm getting the hang of this wake up every morning, and do basically the same thing with different complaints until I die."

"Sometime I feel people go out of their way just to scare me."

"Do you guys need a wacky, fun-loving jokester for your crew? I can make silly sounds."

"What a pro."

'Well, I'm glad you two share a sense of humor.'

"I'm giving you a 300% salary increase, and four months paid leave."

"How about a hibernation. . . ?"

National Sarcasm Awareness: 'Thanks! Like that's really going to help.'

Olympic rabbit ears

'You can't solve ALL your problems by beheading them.'

'I don't know what 'peer pressure' is, but it makes a GREAT excuse!'

"Some hand sanitizer, canning jars and lids, liquid soap, and a big 24 pack of toilet paper."

'I'm going for a plea bargain. Right now, I'm accused of being a lazy slug. But if I plead guilty, I might get it reduced to the lesser charge of malingering.'

"Trust him to make a spectacle of himself."

"O.K., Let's try this scenario..."

"Let me through! I'm a quack."

'Stop me if you've heard this one. Stop!'

Whale Blowing Bubbles.

'Better ease up on the goodnatured barbs...'

Sorry not sorry

Mrs. Claus's Annual Joke: 'Whoa...you're not going to work dressed like that, are you?'

'April fool!'

"I'll teach you to muscle in on my business- it's a concrete undercoat for you."