Joking Stockbroker Gifts

'This year's stock market compared to last year's? Well, that is a bit before my time.'

'Now that we've defined 'happy deficits' let's try it out on the stockholders.'

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

"When we changed the company name, the stocks went through the roof!"

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

The Contrarian funds

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

Stock Market Research and Analysis

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

'It's like a bull market, only not as aggressive. It's more like a steer market.'

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

'...But the good news is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

'And then the bad man from the Securities and Exchange Commission and I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!'

'I can't believe it! This is when I sent out a company memo advocating a win-win philosophy.'

'Stocks gyrated today on news life is full of suprises.'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

'We stopped to smell the darn roses here!'

"I was doing pretty well in the stock market until I discovered there were laws."

" ... and markets closed lower today on news that markets would close lower today."

"Your EKG corresponds with the stock market report."

'My investment club had morphed into a support group.'

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

'Polly wants a Nasdaqer...Polly wants a Nasdaqer...'

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

'I'm calling my invention 'IPO'.'

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

"This is a penny stock. This is a prime stock and this is a laughing stock."

"We've lowered our IPO price so many times, the Street's referring to it as an Initial Pathetic Offer."

'Oh my God, dog biscuits are down!'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'